I often wonder how people survived 100 years ago before formula was available. Seriously. And then I remind myself that’s when thing like a wet nurse existed and diets were much different … but I do want to start by saying – whatever you chose to do will not harm your “connection” with your baby – you have to do what’s best for you and baby (regardless of what mommy culture and groups will tell you, they are not living YOUR daily life). There is so much guilt that can be compounded on you in motherhood and the whole “breast is best” when you’re literally trying all you can is honestly very defeating – so do what you have to and get out of mommy groups and off the interweb!
I wanted to write this blog because, to be honest, breastfeeding has been the single hardest thing for me with the newborn/baby stage… I really have never had a goal of how long I wanted to go – preferably until they are 1 but I would be happy I guess as long as I got to make the decision of when to stop.
With Harper – I didn’t get that choice.
- 4/15 – 8lbs 1oz – 81% (birth date)
- 4/20 – 7lbs 8oz – 58%
- 4/29 – 7lbs 14oz – 50%
- 5/12 – 8lbs 7oz – 34% (finally back to birth weight a month later)
- 6/16 – 9lbs 9oz -10%
- 8/4 – 10lbs 14oz -4%
- 8/24 – 11lbs 10oz -4% (told after this weighing I had to switch to formula)
- 10/5 – 14lbs -17% (after using formula for almost a month and a half)
Essentially she went from being in 81st percentile when born to the 4th and her growth curve was not getting better. Now I know people will say ooo that can happen and they’re not “failure to thrive” (which is a horrible term to tell a parent) but I look back and she was SKIINNNYYY for MONTHS and wasn’t growing which can impact their brain development. Some kids are truly just little but that wasn’t Harper.
With Harper – she spit up a TON but was a happy spitter – we ended up going to see a GI specialist who told us my breastmilk may not be fatty enough so even though she is content after a feed I might be making skim milk for example. It wasn’t reflux because it wasn’t projectile and a few other reasons that I forget now 2 years later. I’ve told midwives and breastfeeding consultants this with the second go around and they basically roll their eyes and say that’s not a thing – but I’ll expand on this with Caleb and my journey with him.
But as for Harper – between 4 and 5 months I was basically told I needed to switch to formula and had to do a higher concentrate to help her gain weight – she wasn’t hitting some of her growth milestones too and I think it’s because she didn’t have the weight behind it. It was an extremely hard time for me because it wasn’t MY choice and I felt like I was failing Harper for personal selfish reasons because I WANTED to be able to breastfeed – but it wasn’t best for her at that point and I couldn’t help but think, man 100 years ago what would I have done?! Obviously we would have had to stick with it or introduce foods early or something but it just felt heavy and I was suuppper sad about it. I think it ended up being for the best because my mindset it an all or nothing person and I’m very type A so being told to let go actually helped me relax after that time period.
where I realized how small she looked 
still in newborn clothes at 2 months 
a month after starting formula 
still in newborn clothes 
Now with Caleb – I was more prepared mentally for breastfeeding to be difficult. I knew I was going to struggle. So after he was born I met with the lactation consultant and he latched fine.
We went home and for 5 days after he was born he didn’t poop – which is not good for newborns and meant he wasn’t getting enough milk – my milk didn’t come in until day 5 after his birth. My pediatrician had me breastfeeding him every two hours for 2 weeks until our next appointment to make sure he was gaining weight – wow – that was exhausting. But he did and so she wasn’t concerned.
- 1/4 – 8lbs 12oz -88%
- 1/6 – 8lbs 4oz -75%
- 1/9 – 8lbs 3oz -70%
- 1/16 – 9lbs 1oz -78% (first breastfeeding consultant)
- 2/7 – 11lbs -72%
- 2/22 – 11lbs 6oz – 49%
- 2/24 – 12lbs 2oz -64%
- 2/28 – 12lbs 2oz – 57%
- 3/1 – 12lbs 4oz -58% (second breastfeeding consultant)
- 3/7 – 12lbs 10oz -57%
- 3/28 – 12lbs 15oz -34% (third breastfeeding consultant)
- 4/17 – 13lbs 11oz -31%
So as you can see – his weight in percentage is volatile and has increasingly been going down percentage wise while his length is constantly in the 90th percentile. But not as bad as Harper because I was prepared earlier and supplement with formula probably once a day.
During this time I’ve seen 3 lactation consultants and a pediatric chiropractor. Everyone said his latch was fine – no one said or suggested a tongue tie or lip tie (although everyone in the world will tell you that’s what it is – it wasn’t). First breastfeeding consultant just watched his latch and weighed for his transfer – he only transferred 2.5oz but was young and he was gaining weight so she wasn’t concerned. Second breastfeeding consultant looked at latch and transfer – he transferred 2.5 but we were dealing more with him being a cranky but then and freaking out during all feeds whether by bottle or breast – he was not a happy camper – she suggested I go dairy and soy free. I told my pediatrician that and she said that it’s literally 1% of babies who have an allergy and I could try and cut all this out and it might not be that – he probably just has an immature gut – but again not concerned about his weight. Side note – he grew out of the crank and I use gas drops and a probiotic everyday to help his tummy.
FINALLY – I go to a third person – Dr Heidi Szugye Medical Director of Breastfeeding Medicine Clinic and Center, at this point he has barely gained any weight 5oz in 3 weeks which is not great and so we do a weighted feed to see what’s up. He only transfers 2.5 oz (and they ask you not to feed 2/3 hrs before feeds so you get a good idea of your milk supply). I pump after to see if it’s a transfer issue or a supply issue. I pump absolutely nothing. We warm him up some breastmilk and he chugs it after that. So it’s not a transfer issue – he transferred all I had for him and he was still hungry although was content just enough to not make me aware. So we talk about options moving forward. It’s clearly a supply issue – we talk about breastfeeding him at home and then after east feeding offering a 2oz bottle – but that seemed wasteful because sometimes he’d take the bottle and other times he wouldn’t. So I start pumping instead and we decide to give him full 4oz bottles so we know he’s getting food. We tested my blood levels too and everything came back normal but my prolactin, which is what helps you make milk. Mine was at 29 when it should be at 100 when breastfeeding! So I start taking moringa to help with milk and goat’s rue to help with breast tissue (because my right boob doesn’t make more than an oz no matter what or how long). We also talked about me taking Reglan because I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety which can make those worse if you take it. When I first started pumping – there were times I only pumped 1.75oz – not even 2 oz after a 3 hr period! And I should say I also barely ever pumped 3oz with Harper too when I did pump. SO after taking Reglan for 12 days I am FINALLY pumping what he feeds in a day (or 4oz less) – but now that I’m done my supply may dip again. I literally am doing EV-ER-Y-THING to try and make it work – one day I pumped 9x and got 24oz that day – with a toddler that’s NOT fun! Most of the time I pump 6xs a day and get about 18-20 oz (I still breastfeed at night because I’m too tired to pump and make bottles).
We did a follow up on his weight about 3 weeks later and he gained a little more than 1/2 an oz a day in those 20 days but as you can see he isn’t staying on a curve and was dropping still. SO WHY?! I’m literally feeding him as much as he’ll take with my breastmilk which is more than I produce and supplementing with formula when I don’t make enough.
And she suggests that my breastmilk may not be fatty enough – WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THE GI DOCTOR TOLD ME WITH HARPER AND EVERYONE ELSE ROLLED THEIR EYES AT!
So we talked about maybe getting my breastmilk tested to see and I’ll find out more at our next appointment in May. But basically now we’re going to fortify my breastmilk with formula to make it higher calories so he can start gaining weight.
Oh my gosh people. It’s been a process and I’m tired and I write all this because I want you to see that not every answer is simple and clear cut -it’s not always about power pumping and drinking enough water or tongue ties or just more at the breast – sometimes there are actual issues and hearing just pump more or longer isn’t helpful when you feel like that’s all you do all day long. I KNEW it was something more but I felt like no one was listening until Dr. Szugye had me do blood tests. It felt like validation that I wasn’t crazy and was trying everything I could.
So now to fortify his milk and see what next steps are at our next appointment in May. As mom’s we have so much to care about – don’t let the opinion of others be one of those things as you figure out your journey with your kids – people mean well but don’t know your situation so you have to leave the voices behind that it’s not enough or you could do better and remember – you are the best mom for your kids – formula fed, breastfeed – period. They won’t write that on their resume one day – don’t let short term goals steal the joy of small tiny moments. Honestly I wonder how long I’ll last just pumping because it’s exhausting.
*Pics of my baby so it doesn’t get lost* (HAHAHAHAHAH – moms in mom groups will get that).
Caleb at 2 months 
Caleb a few days old 